Chuck Wolfe doesn’t just use the tale of the ghost to deter would be assailants, he uses the ghost himself.
After he had finished clearing up all the slime, the ghost looked up at Chuck Wolfe with pleading eyes and mouthed the word “sorry”.
Chuck Wolfe was deeply dissatisfied with this cowardly behaviour and so punched the ghost in the face once more. Then he made his demands.
From 9am until 6pm every Monday to Saturday, the ghost must come and sit in a chair just outside the dojo. His sad face serves as a lesson to anyone thinking about messing with Chuck Wolfe.
That lesson is: “Don’t mess with Chuck Wolfe. He will make you sit in a chair and look sad, even if you are a ghost.”
Posted by Ryan in General
Are you asking whether a ghost has ever broken into Chuck Wolfe’s dojo? Maybe you should be asking whether a ghost has ever broken into Chuck Wolfe’s dojo and LIVED TO TELL THE TALE.
One time, Chuck Wolfe was chilling in his dojo when he heard a rustling noise in the outer sanctum (where the vending machines are). When he went out to investigate, Chuck Wolfe happened upon a ghost and he was not alarmed whatsoever.
The same couldn’t be said for the ghost, however. Knowing that Chuck Wolfe was the superior fighter, the ghost started completely freaking out, throwing green slime pretty much everywhere.
Chuck Wolfe strode over, all cool, like, and punched the ghost in the face. Then he made it clear up all the slime itself as punishment.
The ghost cried like a right baby.
Posted by Ryan in General
Kids are forever asking Chuck Wolfe whether he can smash other dudes’ faces in with vegetables. Most frequently, they ask whether he can do it with a parsnip.
The answer is always the same:
“Get me a parsnip.”
You see, there is no vegetable – no vegetable ON EARTH -with which Chuck Wolfe cannot smash some dude’s face in.
Parsnip? Easy.
Courgette? No problem.
Kale? Curly or plain, it doesn’t matter. Chuck Wolfe can even smash a dude’s face in using rape kale. And yes, rape kale is a thing.
One time, this kid said: “You can’t smash someone’s face in with asparagus.” Chuck Wolfe took a single spear, pinched it between thumb and forefinger and punched the kid square in the face.
That’s garnish.
Posted by Ryan in General
Many people want to know Chuck Wolfe’s thoughts on nutrition. Fortunately, he is something of an expert.
A typical day’s eating looks something like this:
- 5.30am – raw steak mince, raw egg and brawn
- 10am – protein shake, raw steak mince and aggression
- 1pm – six raw eggs, carbo-gel and focus
- 3pm – protein shake and determination
- 6pm – raw steak mince, wholewheat pasta and ruthlessness
- 7pm – a Cadbury’s Caramel
This is the diet of champions. This is the diet that made Chuck Wolfe strong. Sometimes, to demonstrate the superiority of his diet, Chuck Wolfe will pick someone out during under-nines’ budo and ask them what they’ve been eating.
They usually say something like “fruit” at which point Chuck Wolfe punches them in the face to assert the undoubted superiority of his diet.
“That’s garnish,” he says.
Posted by Ryan in General
A lot of people are in love with roundhouse kicks. They buy them flowers, take them out for dinner and generally do everything they can to get down and dirty with them. But let Chuck Wolfe lay this truth upon you: roundhouse kicks ain’t that sweet.
You know, a roundhouse kick is just candyfloss. It’s just showboating. Sometimes, at the dojo, Chuck Wolfe demonstrates the weakness inherent in the roundhouse kick to underline this message.
He asks one of the under-11s to come at him. Hard. He says ‘give me a roundhouse kick and don’t hold back’. When the kid is halfway through his spin, Chuck Wolfe grabs his ankle in a vicelike grip and thrusts him to the floor. As the kid lands, Chuck Wolfe follows up with a punch to the face.
The kid will usually cry for a few minutes. Chuck Wolfe helps him up after a while and when he’s back on his feet, Chuck Wolfe delivers his own roundhouse kick – right to the face.
That’s how you do a roundhouse kick. That’s garnish.
Posted by Ryan in Kickboxing
This is an interesting question, but one that doesn’t really have an answer. What’s one more than infinity?
Sometimes, to demonstrate his martial arts prowess, Chuck Wolfe will invite a bunch of kids to take him on. One time he fought three eight-year-olds and only two of them were definitely girls. The other one seemed like it was probably a boy, although it’s hard to tell at that age.
After delivering one crisp punch to each of the respective faces, Chuck Wolfe addressed the various people inside his dojo.
“You come here, into my dojo, you face the consequences. Chuck Wolfe doesn’t care whether you’re here for under-nines basic judo or whether you’re here to pick up your kid from under-nines basic judo. It doesn’t matter. The important part is that you’re here, in the dojo, so you’re going to get the trouble you’re asking for.”
Posted by Ryan in General
Sometimes Chuck Wolfe is interrupted while he’s relaxing in his dojo. Some kid will come in and say something like: “Yo, Chuck Wolfe, you’re totally amazing. I bet you can, like, kick through a wall, yeah?”
Chuck Wolfe always reacts the same way. First, he carefully puts down his cup of green tea. Then he punches the kid square in the face for his insolence. He tells the kid that asking such a question implies some measure of doubt and emphasises that the kid has been punched square in the face for that reason.
Having delivered this valuable life lesson, Chuck Wolfe allows the kid to apologise. “You’re totally amazing,” the kid says, staunching the blood flowing from his nose using whatever comes to hand.
“I know that,” says Chuck Wolfe, and then he totally kicks through the wall to emphasise the fact.
Posted by Ryan in General
The most intimidating situation a martial artist can experience is when he has no sticks and there is some kid who does have sticks just sort of spinning them around and stuff, trying to look hard.
Chuck Wolfe faced this experience once. He faced it and conquered it. That’s what Chuck Wolfe does to experiences. He conquers them.
The kid in question was maybe 11 or 12, but he was big for his age. Chuck Wolfe didn’t catch what he said, but it sounded something like: “Yo, Chuck Wolfe. I’ve got sticks and I’m super badass. What are you going to do about it?”
Chuck Wolfe took the most obvious course of action. With a quick step and some high level black belt ninja moves, he got himself in position and then punched the kid in the face. Square in the face. Right there. Hard.
As the sticks tumbled from his hands and clattered to earth, Chuck Wolfe admonished him: “Yo, don’t mess with the best, even if you have sticks and the best doesn’t have sticks, because the best will quick step and high level black belt ninja move his way into position and then punch you in the face.”
Posted by Ryan in General
Chuck Wolfe’s dojo is a sanctum; a haven; an idyll. It is a place devoted to increasing size while simultaneously being awesome. To penetrate it uninvited is to risk the wrath of Chuck Wolfe.
This one time, Chuck Wolfe went to his dojo on a Saturday and found some kid in there who had entered uninvited. The kid was familiar as he attended basic taekwondo lessons on a Saturday. He was 11 minutes early.
The kid hadn’t broken in – the door had been unlocked – but his presence highlighted his lack of respect. Chuck Wolfe took the only opportunity available to him. He punched the kid in the face and then gave him the dreaded rear admiral.
Never enter Chuck Wolfe’s dojo uninvited – even if you have basic taekwondo lessons starting in 11 minutes’ time.
Posted by Ryan in General
Sometimes when Chuck Wolfe is depilating his abs, some kid comes up to him and says: “Yo, dude. Your abs are super sick. What’s wrong with a hirsute abdominal?”
After punching the kid square in the face, Chuck Wolfe delivers his message, like Jesus delivered the message to Bluto after the latter had stolen his spinach.
He says: “Yo, Bluto. Give me back my spinach you A-hole. I need it for making loaves out of fishes and walking on water like Magic Johnson. Also, I don’t like having a hairy tummy.”
The kid usually gets the drift, but if he doesn’t Chuck Wolfe punches him in the face again.
Posted by Ryan in General