chuckwolfemartialarts.com

Listen, if you want to take up kickboxing, feel free. It’s nice and basic and requires little skill or agility. It’s fine for a beginner.

But if you’re serious about martial arts, ask yourself this: how are you going to defend yourself against a good, solid punch to the face?

The truth is, there is no defence for this in kickboxing. You can kick someone as often as you like and maybe you’ll be okay, but maybe that person is Super Nails. What then? What do you think will happen?

You’ll be on the receiving end of a good, solid punch to the face – that’s what will happen.

Now that’s garnish.

When you encounter someone who is a master of a different martial arts discipline to yourself, you need to tailor your approach accordingly. Chuck Wolfe has devoted many years to becoming an expert in pretty much every martial art in existence. This means he can quickly switch to whatever is most appropriate.

For example, when confronted with a wrestler, Chuck will adopt a karate stance. Speed and dexterity are wrestlers’ weaknesses, so karate is an ideal choice.

For a ninja, karate is entirely inappropriate. Instead, the best thing to do is to take a pure Chuck Wolfe approach. Chuck would approach the ninja, remove his sword from his hands and punch him square in the face.

Now that’s more of a question.

Chuck Wolfe was born 100 per cent awesome and from there, he developed further. It is not a case of him becoming more awesome over time. It’s more like his awesomeness has become more awesome.

• Age eight – 100 per cent awesome (awesomeness rated as being ‘awesome awesomeness’)
• Age 12 – 100 per cent awesome (awesomeness now ‘very awesome’)
• Age 19 – 100 per cent awesome (awesomeness now ‘super awesome’)

By the age of 33, Chuck Wolfe was 100 per cent awesome and his awesomeness was so awesome it could legitimately be considered ‘mundo awesome’.

At each stage, it has been inconceivable that Chuck Wolfe’s awesomeness could possibly increase. Nevertheless, on each occasion, his awesomeness has gone up further still.

Now that’s garnish.

Another moronic question. What’s with you people?

First of all, suggesting that somebody’s awesomeness is down to what basically amounts to a superpower is just plain insulting. Chuck Wolfe’s awesomeness is 100 per cent natural. He doesn’t need to resort to gimmicks or cheap mutations.

Secondly, there’s no such thing as eyes which fire lasers. No-one has that. No-one has ever had that. No-one ever will have that. Asking whether Chuck Wolfe can fire lasers from his eyes makes you an idiot.

Do you honestly think that’s what’s special about Chuck Wolfe’s eyes? No, of course it isn’t.

Chuck Wolfe has X-ray vision. Get it straight.

Are you serious? Are you suggesting that Chuck Wolfe has been in a coma? How in the name of all that is good and pure would Chuck Wolfe have been rendered comatose?

The last time someone tried to put Chuck Wolfe into a coma, they used vehicles and they still didn’t succeed. This kid got himself a bus because he was super-angry with Chuck Wolfe because he’d punched out his pet bear the week before. He totally nailed it in this bus, foot to the floor, pedal to the metal and aimed it straight at Chuck Wolfe as he was crossing the road.

He was foolish.

Chuck Wolfe neatly side-stepped the bus, gripped the wing mirror and swung in through the open door. As he landed, he calmly stated: “No-one tries to render Chuck Wolfe comatose and gets away with it,” and then he punched the kid in the face. Hard.

Now that’s garnish.