chuckwolfemartialarts.com

When you encounter someone who is a master of a different martial arts discipline to yourself, you need to tailor your approach accordingly. Chuck Wolfe has devoted many years to becoming an expert in pretty much every martial art in existence. This means he can quickly switch to whatever is most appropriate.

For example, when confronted with a wrestler, Chuck will adopt a karate stance. Speed and dexterity are wrestlers’ weaknesses, so karate is an ideal choice.

For a ninja, karate is entirely inappropriate. Instead, the best thing to do is to take a pure Chuck Wolfe approach. Chuck would approach the ninja, remove his sword from his hands and punch him square in the face.

Now that’s more of a question.

Chuck Wolfe was born 100 per cent awesome and from there, he developed further. It is not a case of him becoming more awesome over time. It’s more like his awesomeness has become more awesome.

• Age eight – 100 per cent awesome (awesomeness rated as being ‘awesome awesomeness’)
• Age 12 – 100 per cent awesome (awesomeness now ‘very awesome’)
• Age 19 – 100 per cent awesome (awesomeness now ‘super awesome’)

By the age of 33, Chuck Wolfe was 100 per cent awesome and his awesomeness was so awesome it could legitimately be considered ‘mundo awesome’.

At each stage, it has been inconceivable that Chuck Wolfe’s awesomeness could possibly increase. Nevertheless, on each occasion, his awesomeness has gone up further still.

Now that’s garnish.

Another moronic question. What’s with you people?

First of all, suggesting that somebody’s awesomeness is down to what basically amounts to a superpower is just plain insulting. Chuck Wolfe’s awesomeness is 100 per cent natural. He doesn’t need to resort to gimmicks or cheap mutations.

Secondly, there’s no such thing as eyes which fire lasers. No-one has that. No-one has ever had that. No-one ever will have that. Asking whether Chuck Wolfe can fire lasers from his eyes makes you an idiot.

Do you honestly think that’s what’s special about Chuck Wolfe’s eyes? No, of course it isn’t.

Chuck Wolfe has X-ray vision. Get it straight.

Are you serious? Are you suggesting that Chuck Wolfe has been in a coma? How in the name of all that is good and pure would Chuck Wolfe have been rendered comatose?

The last time someone tried to put Chuck Wolfe into a coma, they used vehicles and they still didn’t succeed. This kid got himself a bus because he was super-angry with Chuck Wolfe because he’d punched out his pet bear the week before. He totally nailed it in this bus, foot to the floor, pedal to the metal and aimed it straight at Chuck Wolfe as he was crossing the road.

He was foolish.

Chuck Wolfe neatly side-stepped the bus, gripped the wing mirror and swung in through the open door. As he landed, he calmly stated: “No-one tries to render Chuck Wolfe comatose and gets away with it,” and then he punched the kid in the face. Hard.

Now that’s garnish.

No.

Maybe Chuck Wolfe should expand on that.

You have to remember that no child is punched in the face without good reason. Maybe they looked kind of wimpy. Maybe they exhibited weakness. Maybe they reacted badly when one of their friends was punched in the face. Maybe they suggested that Chuck Wolfe couldn’t smash someone’s face in using asparagus. Maybe they once ate some fruit. Maybe they attempted to execute a roundhouse kick, as instructed. Maybe they came into the dojo for under-nines budo. Maybe they asked a question that implied some level of doubt as to whether Chuck Wolfe could kick through a wall.

Or maybe they just don’t quite catch Chuck Wolfe’s drift.

These are all crimes and crimes warrant garnish.

What a ridiculous question. The last week in which Chuck Wolfe didn’t win a fight was in 1963 – and that was only because his mother was yet to be impregnated by Chuck’s father, Tartarus, the primeval god of the dark, stormy pit of Hades.

This week, Chuck Wolfe has won 11 fights. This is even more impressive when you consider that Chuck Wolfe’s week only started an hour and a half ago. (Chuck operates on his own calendar which is scientifically proven to be far superior to the conventional one.)

So far this week, Chuck has fought and bested five men, four bears, an alligator and an eight-year-old boy called Nathan who looked kind of wimpy and was therefore asking for it. Four of those fights terminated with Chuck’s patented “nut chop”. Nathan was defeated via a good solid punch to the face.

You know what that is – that’s garnish.

That is ridiculous. That is possibly the most ridiculous thing that Chuck Wolfe has ever heard. Flying is a physical impossibility for man without the assistance of technology. That has been proven time and again.

One thing can be conceded, however, and that is this: sometimes, when Chuck Wolfe does a flying kick (just a name, not an accurate description of what happens) the subject of the kick can appear to fly unaided by wings or engines.

A proper Chuck Wolfe flying kick is a thing of rare beauty and extraordinary power. When delivered correctly, the victim is launched skywards at an incredible velocity. However, it is important to note that they will eventually return to earth except for the rare occasions when they are kicked so high that they escape the earth’s gravitational pull.

Those are the lucky ones. Those that return to earth are immediately punched in the face by Chuck Wolfe upon landing. Now that’s garnish.

Some of you may have read Chuck Wolfe’s last update and wrongly concluded that no-one was punched in the face. Well, think again, supermoron.

That post had a subtext. You perceived it from the position of a supercoward, nervously urinating in your undercrackers outside the dojo. To highlight the supercowardliness of the supercowards, Chuck Wolfe deliberately withheld all information about what was transpiring within the dojo in order to emphasise precisely what these people lack.

While the supercowards were dithering around outside, weeping tears of terror at the presence of a ghost in a chair, Chuck Wolfe was within the dojo, in the inner sanctum, doing what he does best – punching people in the face.

During the course of that last post, three of the students from under-11 budo were punched in the face for exhibiting weakness (two for reacting badly when one of their friends was punched in the face by a man who is massive and also cool).

Furthermore, while typing this post with one hand, Chuck Wolfe was simultaneously punching himself in the face with the other hand. He punched himself in the face no fewer than SEVEN TIMES.

Now that’s garnish.

What kind of a lily-livered supercoward are you? You’re afraid of ghosts? Are you also afraid of guns, cancer and being stabbed in the face?

Chuck Wolfe has no time for supercowards. If you can’t walk past a tearful ghost sitting quietly in a chair, then you have NO RIGHT TO ENTER THE DOJO.

A dojo is a place for men who can rip off plasters. It is a place where faces are punched and where vending machines sometimes lack Topics in the E4 slot. If you can’t withstand face-punches and can’t make do with a Drifter, you do not belong in this harsh warrior environment.

Chuck Wolfe doesn’t just use the tale of the ghost to deter would be assailants, he uses the ghost himself.

After he had finished clearing up all the slime, the ghost looked up at Chuck Wolfe with pleading eyes and mouthed the word “sorry”.

Chuck Wolfe was deeply dissatisfied with this cowardly behaviour and so punched the ghost in the face once more. Then he made his demands.

From 9am until 6pm every Monday to Saturday, the ghost must come and sit in a chair just outside the dojo. His sad face serves as a lesson to anyone thinking about messing with Chuck Wolfe.

That lesson is: “Don’t mess with Chuck Wolfe. He will make you sit in a chair and look sad, even if you are a ghost.”